A couple days ago as I was helping Eden get ready for the day, I told her we needed to take Bentley to his doctor's appointment (his 1 year checkup). The first thing she asked was, "will he have to get a poke?" I told her I thought he would and she immediately got a worried look on her face.
We got into the doctor's office and she kept asking me over and over again if he would get a shot and if it was time yet. The nurses brought in the shot needles and left them on the counter and had to run back out for a minute to grab something. Eden walked over and stared at the shot needles for a few minutes and then came over to me with a horribly sad look on her face. Here's how the next little bit played out:
Eden: "Mom I don't want to hear him." with a horrible look on her face
ME: "Eden, Bentley needs the shots to keep him healthy, just like you and I need shots sometimes too. It will hurt for a minute, and he will probably cry, but it will feel better soon and he will be ok. We need to be here to comfort him when he is sad and tell him that he will feel better really soon."
Eden: "But mom I don't want to hear him." As she was covering her ears and looking like she was ready to cry.
So at this point I told her she could wait right outside the door of the room while he got the shots and then I would come get her after he was done. Knowing how Eden is about never leaving my side I didn't think she was going to go for this at all, but I guess her concern about hearing Bentley was even stronger than her fear of going somewhere without me. So sure enough, she just walked right out and closed the door behind her. I was shocked - she REALLY was concerned about hearing him cry! Bentley of course was not happy about the shots, but once he started to calm down a little bit Eden came back in and things were quickly back to normal.
She's been through a lot and hates seeing him have to experience things that are so sad to her. She is so sweet. I love her so deeply.
It was interesting for me too because I think with all that I experienced in caring for Eden when she was in and out of the hospital so much, I became somewhat hardened to some of the pain. For her, a simple shot was nothing. The poor girl has had so many IVs alone that she has scars all over both her hands and both of her feet. As I reflect on it now, I think I had to become hardened to some things in order to survive and to be strong for her. She has gone through countless hospitalizations, and so many intensely painful surgery recoveries, that to me shots were no big deal. I'm reminded every day when I help her dress and I see the scars that cover her body, just how much she has been through and how much I have struggled to support her through it.
I have felt bad for Bentley because I feel like maybe I'm not as sympathetic to some things as I think I may have been had I not experienced what I did with Eden. However, yesterday I was actually surprised at how sad I felt as I knelt over him with my face against his as they gave him his shots. Of course he screamed and tried to wiggle away, and I was shocked that I was immediately overcome with emotions and was trying desperately to hold back from crying myself. I was so sad for him, I felt so horrible, and at the same time, it was weird because I felt like I was transported back in time to some horrible memories I have of holding Eden down time and time again when she too was screaming, I just couldn't hear her voice. It was heartbreaking and I was really thrown off by the amount of confusing emotions I was feeling. I just wanted to pick up my crying baby, retrieve my worried toddler from the hallway and run away without having to say a word to anyone.
I think part of what contributed to this emotional experience for me is that since Eden's birth to now, this past year has been the longest time we have gone without having to experience some kind of hard sickness, or surgery, or any hospital stays at all. For several years it was just one thing after the next so I never really got any distance from it all. I was hardened and somewhat in a fog in order to cope with it all and do what I needed to for her.
As those experiences get farther and farther in the past I get more distant from it and without realizing I was doing it, I was pretty much blocking those experiences altogether and not really reliving that emotion in any way.
In a couple weeks I'll be taking Eden back to Denver for some follow up airway stuff. At this time, he is also planning to do surgery to remove her tonsils and adenoids. It comparison to what she has had, this surgery and recovery shouldn't be so bad, but it's weird to me how much I've been stressing over it. It makes sense to me now as I sit and reflect though. It's been a long time since we have had to go through surgery and recovery.... she is older now and much more aware. Too much time has passed and I feel I've softened and have seen how much more wonderful and happy life is when there's no medical struggle going on. I'm afraid of the recovery process because I need to be strong for her, but all these weird emotions are reminding me of what we have been through in the past and I'm feeling so overwhelmed by it all. I'm afraid for her. She is already so mature about things, but I know she will be scared and hurting and I'm trying to figure out if I can hold myself together.
But I can, and I will because she will need me - this time, and more times in the future as we continue on her journey.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment